Durrr...

Passion of the Crisis

Everyone's 'favorite' "If-You're-Different-Than-Me-I-Hate-You" Ranter is back!


Mel Gibson is currently filming for his role as The Beaver, but after his performance in a series of recorded crazy phone calls with the mother of his daughter, it sounds more like he's The Beater. (I'm not even going to bother writing some of the things he said here. It's really a "must listen" to get the full impact.)

What I really can't understand is how Whoopi Goldberg can defend him: "I know Mel, and I know he's not a racist," Whoopi on 'The View' on Monday, seeming both earnest and cautious to weigh in. "I have had a long friendship with Mel. You can say he's being a bonehead, but I can't sit and say that he's a racist having spent time with him in my house with my kids. I don't like what he's done, make no mistake."

Uhhh... then again, this is the same person who said Roman Polanski's actions weren't "rape rape."
 
Anyway, I love it when these types of phone calls get "leaked." Remember Pat O'Brien's?:
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Or how about Alec Baldwin's:





Ah, yes, all nice reminders as to why I'm glad I do technology PR and not entertainment. (Although I'd make an exception for the adorable Betty White)

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Where&#39;s My Bob-Baaaay??

A New Breed of Gangs

Last month I wrote about the uprising of the Yenta Carts/ Wide Wagons. For the most part I focused on their use as a weapon, but I had no idea they could be used for theft! But that's exactly the case and it was done at a New Hampshire WalMart (I suppose the WalMart part shouldn't be a surprise).

A mother has been caught on camera rolling around Walmart in an electronic wheelchair while she and her son shoplifted several expensive items, police said.

Cynthia Ritter, 46, and son Kelvin Rodger, 27, who live in separate apartments at the Carrington Farms complex on Mammoth Road in Hooksett, were arrested about 2 a.m. Monday for the April 30 shoplifting incident.

Police said it took a month to link items found in the duo's possession back to Walmart.

The items included a 32-inch LCD television, a TV remote, TV cables, seven Playstation games, a home audio system, a DVD recorder, a 16-piece glass set, diapers, laundry detergent and three sports bras, according to police.

Ritter was seen on surveillance footage using one of Walmart's electronic wheelchairs for handicapped customers as she concealed items, police said.


Here is the Ma Barker wannabe and her son:


That skunk-style hair is probably what did her in.

Here's another criminal genius who used a Yenta Cart as a getaway ride:

A Pennsylvania man accused of stealing $50 tried to flee in an unusual fashion, wearing a hospital gown and driving a motorized shopping scooter for an escape vehicle.

According to the Associated Press, Craig David Jr. tried to steal $50 from his ex-girlfriend at Walmart after just being released from the hospital. He tried to flee using a Walmart scooter for an escape vehicle but was caught and charged with robbery and disorderly conduct.

He was still wearing his hospital gown when he met his girlfriend who agreed to pay for his medication. Instead, police say David grabbed $50 from her and scooted away.


I imagine the chase that ensued to catch the thief looked something like this:



How fast do those carts actually go? Do we need to worry that cities and towns will soon be overrun with notorious mobility scooter gangs, knocking over WalMarts, Salvation Armys, and Flea Markets?? I'm telling you, people, the time to protect yourself is now! Install high curbs around your property before it's too late!


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BeeBee Love You Longtime

Wireless Office Entangles Kitty

One of the great things about running my own company is that when I feel like working in Decktown, I can. And that's exactly what I have been doing today:


The Decktown Fountain has been extremely soothing

I really should have tried this sooner because all week I had been experiencing "writer's block" with a byline and I kept starting it, then re-starting it, then hating it and re-re-starting it, and on and on. However, this morning in Decktown I got it done in three hours and was happy with the outcome. (Now let's hope my client is, too...!)

All morning I'd glance at the door and see Timmy-Jeffrey peering at me through the window, as he often does whenever I'm outside. So at lunch I decided to put him in a harness and on a leash to try and come outside for a bit.

Surprisingly, getting the harness on him was easy. He thought it was a game and purred while sticking his legs through the straps on his own. Then I clipped the retractable leash on him and out we went!



He was a little nervous, but very interested in the sounds and smells. After a few minutes he hopped down the stairs and started rolling around the walkway. When he got tired of that, he simply sat and enjoyed himself:



I stuck the leash handle under my chair so I wouldn't have to stare at him and returned to work. Shortly after, he came up the stairs and meowed to be let back in the house.

I got up to open the door and that's when things got ugly. My first mistake was not taking the leash off before opening the door. The second he walked in, the other cats swarmed around him to inspect the fresh-from-the-wild Timmy-Jeffrey.

Well, apparently this was too much for him because he ran towards the living room, and when he did that, the retractable leash made a loud "whirring" sound which freaked him out. He took off for the hallway and since I wasn't expecting it, I lost my grip on the leash. The hard plastic handle hit the floor and bounced, scaring everyone so they all scattered, freaking Timmy-Jeffrey out even more.

The leash handle got caught on the living room table, so once the leash ran out of length, it yanked Timmy-Jeffrey backwards.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he wailed from the hallway.

I unhooked the handle from the table and tried to catch up with him, rewinding the leash. Of course, me coming towards him freaked him out some more, so he took off again, this time for the dining room and, of course, I lost my grip on the stupid leash handle. He crashed into the dining room chairs, but not before hooking the leash on something else and knocking over my bag of recycling. By this time the harness was up around his shoulders, causing his front legs to be up by his head. Poor guy.

I finally got him unhooked from the leash, but he won't come out from under the table.



Even now as I type this, I can see him still under the table through the door window. I feel so bad. I really thought any issues with going outside would come up while *outside*.

Hopefully he will forgive me... the catnip that grows wild under the deck is starting to come in, maybe I can entice him with that for next time.


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Ophan Annie Eyes

Four-Legged Visitors & Tiny Invaders

When we last visited Yardville, Liz fought with the Decktown Fountain (and won!), comforted a kitty statue with solar lights, and gave an old lawn mower away to Trash Vultures.

Let's see what's happened since then:


June 3- Oh my heavens! A handi-capable 4-legged spider has taken up residence in one of Decktown's flower boxes and it's being harrassed by a Hamburglar! Liz doesn't know what stunned her more- the fact that her seed carpets are actually growing (!!!) or that a spider can get around without half its legs. Now Liz feels semi-guilty because she purchased bug poison for Yardville, which is being overrun with spiders that are making their way into Spoiled Kitty Palace (aka- her house). Though if Gimpy the Spider stays in the flower boxes, it may have a chance...


June 4- Yardville is under attack! Well okay, no more than usual with the skunks, squirrels and pine tree debris. But while weeding plants in the back of Yardville, Liz discovered this tiny invader. Having no idea where he could have possibly come from, he was interrogated heavily by Yardville Officials. However, like a well-trained soldier, he remained silent. Even after water-torture, Yardville style (ie- an unintentional soaking with the hose while watering the lawn), he remained defiant. Liz admired his stoicism and decided to let him stay. Though if the 4 legged spider or anythng else gets a hold of him, Liz will not intervene. Consider yourself warned, brave warrior.


June 4- While watering Yardville and contending with the Tiny Invader, Liz discovered these purple flowers growing on the side near the pine trees! But the question is... what are they??


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Weekends at The Cape

Yardville

I admit, I fell into the lazy pattern of regular Facebook status updating (aka- ghetto microblogging) and my LJ drifted to the wayside. Well, no more! (Aren't you all so lucky!)

For the past few weeks I have been borderline-obsessively working on my backyard. I decided this was the year I would host summer get-togethers and have guests over in general. Well, you gotta have a decent yard to do such a thing, right?

At about the same time I was getting out and making my whole body sore with yard work to the point I couldn't move, I saw a spike in FarmVille Facebook updates. I was in disbelief at the amount of people who sit and grow virtual crops, strike pretend oil, and deal with wayward pink cows. So with that, my own Yardville was born:

Liz has been tending to her yard this Spring! She has seeded and fertilized her grass, planted flowers and added new accents. Once in a while a neighborhood cat, skunk or squirrel visits Liz's Yardville, digging up her bulbs. As much as she loves animals, she fantasizes about throwing things at the furry bandits if she ever catches them ruining her work.

Location: Real Life


I decided I wanted to move my Yardville progress over to LJ since it's easier to do in this format, is more organized, and well, it's fun to write about. And on that note, I will catch you all up on what's been happening:


May 26- Liz is grateful to her Mom for sharing her NY Yardville flowers! Liz has worked hard to maintain them, and has been enjoying the fruits of her Yardville labor. To accent the new flowers, Liz added solar lights to the pots.


May 26- Oh happy day! Noah has helped Liz by building her a table in Yardville's Decktown.


May 26- Oh no! A lonely kitty statue has wandered into Liz's Yardville! To keep the kitty from being scared, Liz added a solar light to the potted plant next to her.


May 26- Oh no! Liz's grass is growing strong in Yardville, but alas there are weeds invading the border! Won't someone help?!


May 27- Oh dear! Liz is having a sh*tty day in Yardville! She bought a fountain and discovered that after the nightmare of buying it, wrestling it into the car, getting it home, constructing it, having the box's packing material break apart and blow all over Yardville, the EFFING THING DOESN'T EFFING WORK!!!! @#$%!!! She called bLowes and they are making her bring the whole effing thing back in order to get the one effing SMALL part that's not effing functioning. She warned the rep that she will demand the replacement be tested in the store before accepting it.


May 27- The tide has turned in Yardville! When we last visited Liz, she was beside herself with blazing anger at her newly-purchased Decktown fountain. However, after taking a hammer (and some choice words) to the fountain, a miracle has occurred and the water is flowing properly! The bLowes staff dodged a bullet... the return would not have been pretty.


May 27- Oh delightful times abound! Now that Liz has sufficiently recovered from the Decktown Fountain Saga, she is now ready to construct deck railing flower boxes! She will attempt this amazing feat without any help and very little patience. Instead of pre-grown flowers, Liz will be using this seed carpet thing that promises lots of color and butterflies. It better not be lying. False advertising yields false hope for botanically-challenged Liz, and that will not be tolerated in Yardville.


May 28- Oh dear! Liz survived the Great Fountain Saga and a minor bird attack (she startled a small one in a shrub that flew out at her face), only to get her hands all over poison ivy oak under her deck while putting away the garden hose. Beautifying Yardville has certainly been stressful! But no matter what, Liz will never EVER play Farmville.


May 30- Liz has been working hard at Yardville, but is feeling murderous today. Something dug up one of her bulbs during the night and ate it! Liz would like to trade in her Decktown Fountain for a gun.


June 2- The vultures are circling Yardville! Well, not really. Liz decided to throw away the old ghetto chairs from Decktown, and within 5 minutes of dropping them at the curb, this Trashpicking Taurus arrived. (From the looks of that car, it appears they obtained it the same way they probably get everything else) These guys are pros, it was fascinating to watch them load and bungee the two very large metal chairs into the trunk in under a minute. Let's see what they can do with Yardville's old lawnmower next week!


June 2- Ask and ye shall receive in Yardville! Just when Liz was wondering about whether or not the Trashpicking Taurus duo would take her old nasty lawnmower, along came more hardcore Trash Vultures! These guys had a truck loaded with all kinds of crap and stopped to pick up an old bent and rusty Decktown plant stand. Liz asked the guys if they wanted an old lawnmower and voila! "Chays," one of the Vultures eagerly answered. Liz took that as "yes" and wheeled the muddy mess to them. It's a banner day in Yardville!


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Where&#39;s My Bob-Baaaay??

Where Can You Go in Your Yenta Cart?

We've all seen the commercials touting how you can "get around, get around" and "go go go" in your Hoveround. My favorite is the one where they ask "where would you go in your Hoveround? The Statue of Liberty? The Grand Canyon? The family picnic?"

Well, let me tell you, those scooter drivers are not going to any of those places. But I did discover where they ARE going- Foxwoods Resort and Casino in Connecticut. And let me tell you, those powerchairs are NOT Hoverounds. No, they are, in fact, "Yenta Carts." And they are NOT for mobility, but rather speedy weapons savagely used to barrel through the casino in efforts to get to slot machines as fast as possible at all costs.

Recently I went to Foxwoods and discovered these facts first hand. I didn't get as many photos as I would have liked because I had my old crappy Palm Treo phone, so I will definitely snap more on my next visit. However, before I share what I do have, let me explain my official definition of what I mean by "Yenta Cart": Motorized missles disguised as mobility aids, largely driven by elderly "blue hairs" who zip from one slot to another, and are primarily interested in what everyone else's machines are doing but their own. If they see that you are winning a little bit of money, they roll in and comment on everything you are doing until you get up and leave.

These "Yenta Carts" can also be called "Wide Wagons":

For example, here is Buddha, scoping out his next machine:


What I was did not get was the photo of was him taking off like a shot through a crowd of people a few moments later.

And observe Bertha at the customer service desk:


Note Agnes, who probably needs the Yenta Cart, looking on.

I think the most priceless photo I took that day was of the escalator warning stickers:


The fact that they even have these means people had to have attempted to use the escalators with one of these. Now THAT would have been a great photo!

Ever wonder how one goes about powering up a Yenta Cart or Wide Wagon? Well wonder no more:


I had only even noticed this guy because he clipped me with his basket while rushing to grab that prime piece of electrical real estate.

So those commercials we see? They are nothing more than a facade meant to justify the existence of these mini-tanks that are used in kamikaze casino missions by Yentas and the overweight. Don't be fooled, Medicare and the AARP are in on it.


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Where&#39;s My Bob-Baaaay??

Hair Salad... with a side of flies.

I read about a trend in the BeautyXpose blog that made my skin crawl. Or should I say my scalp?

According to the post, there's a movement where women aren't washing their hair with shampoo because of fears that chemicals contained in shampoo could damage their hair:

As more American women seek a back-to-basics personal care routine, some are joining the “No Poo” movement where they forgo the time-honored tradition of sudsing up. And this isn’t just a brief respite or the old tip to skip the ‘poo every other day to give dry hair a little boost – we’re talking a complete lack of traditional shampoo…forever.

...

Some No Poo-ers say that after time, abrasive, chemical-based ingredients inhibit the natural functions of the skin of the scalp by actively disrupting the natural oil production process. They assert that regularly removing all of the oil off of the skin disturbs the natural pH balance, and as a result, the brain sends a signal to begin producing even more oil. So, according to this line of thinking, if you already have greasy hair, you may be only encouraging the problem further by lathering up with traditional shampoo.

No Poo members seek to combat this assault by using homemade hair care remedies, usually made with baking soda, vinegar, lemon juice and/or castile soap.


Baking soda, vinegar and lemon juice??? In their hair?!?! Gross. It sounds like the makings for a bad salad dressing. And wouldn't the lemon juice have a Sun In effect resulting in lighter colored, drier hair?

And let's not forget the smell...! I had posted this in response to the blog entry:

“No Poo” = “Pee Yoo” in my book. I can’t even imagine what your “friend” must have smelled like! The alternatives you listed basically sound like the making of a bad salad dressing.

Give me my Herbal Essences any day of the week! I’d rather my hair strip than stench.


This was all I could picture when I read about going "poo-less":



Okay, so maybe this is something that works for people who aren't active. But what about people who workout regularly and sweat?? I'd think baking soda can only go so far in getting rid of a stink.

Naturally (har har) I turned to the Internets to see what others are saying on the subject. This by far was my favorite, Toxin Obsession: Celebrities & Shampoo. The writer discussed claims made by Gwyneth Paltrow in which she stated, "A couple of years ago, I was asked to give a quote for a book concerning environmental toxins and their effects on our children.

While I was reading up on the subject, I was seized with fear about what the research said. Foetuses, infants and toddlers are basically unable to metabolise toxins the way that adults are and we are constantly filling our environments with chemicals that may or may not be safe."

Here's the poster's hilarious reaction:

Apparently, she went on to point the finger at shampoo as a potential major problem in our society and raised a possible link between shampoo and childhood cancers. Now, I am not sure how one can use shampoo on the head of a foetus (or a fetus, for that matter), but we have to tip our hat to celebrities for bringing such associations to the forefront.

So I did a bit of science myself to assess the voracity of her claims. I too was seized with fear when I noted the following:

*All of the kids in my practice who have ADHD have used shampoo.
*All of the kids with cancer have also used shampoo.
*I used shampoo as a kid (but not as a fetus), and I have ADHD.
*The projection is that 100% of the people now using shampoo will die.

This really backs up my misgivings about shampoo. I have always wondered at the claims these so-called hair-care products make so boldly. Here are some examples of lies spread by the shampoo industry:

Clarifying shampoo – What are they claiming with this? Is there such thing as unclear hair? Do some people look as though they have a giant blob of hair-like substance on their head instead of many separate hairs? Does clarifying shampoo make each individual hair once again visible on these people?

pH Balanced – What is pH imbalance? Is it when the pH sometimes is so acidic that it burns your hair off? That would be terrifying if true.


I love it! All of these "go green" and "go natural" panic pushes that we've been seeing remind me of those email forwards that used to circulate. Until sites like Snopes emerged to squash the e-terrors, we were warned of such horrors as "Dawn dishwashing liquid will erode the corneas of children's eyes" or "Agent Orange is contained in pots & pans scrubbing pads."

Yes, it's a scary world out there.

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Durrr...

I Can See Your Camel Throw...

I warned the world about the horrifying marketing fleece job known as The Snuggie, but apparently my words of caution fell on deaf (cold) ears because not only has the Snuggie been a top-selling item, the Infomercial Troop is now hawking their latest monstrosity dubbed the "Designer Snuggie".

Claiming the makers have been getting asked with overwhelming regularity, "When are you gonna make one that's a little more stylish for me??", the Snuggie pushers are now peddling three news "styles":

Luxurious Leopard:



Stunning Zebra:



Classic Camel:



*sigh*

Naturally I took to the Internets to see how people have been responding to these new "fashion" Snuggies. A quick Google search immediately brought me to a site called Snuggie Sightings. Upon clicking the link, I was immediately greeted with a commercial for "Snuggie for Dogs":



Honestly, this is a bit much. Oh and in true Infomercial Troop fashion, they even advertise a dog version of My Lil' Reminder for free with purchase:



After I got over the over-priced, mini horse blanket knock-offs, I looked at the "Snuggie Sightings" images:

Observe this woman who used her Luxurious Leopard Snuggie to camouflage herself as a couch in order to ensnare her dog:


Eyes blacked out to protect the alleged

(Actually, she might be onto something... perhaps if I dressed as a couch I could make some headway with my remaining two ferals)

Even Oprah & Tyler Perry have tried to get in on the fad:


Look at the new low Oprah has stooped to... is this to help cover her self-shamed weight gain??

It became quite obvious within a few clicks that "Snuggie Sightings" are a part of Snuggie's marketing machine. Here's what they don't show... real, candid DesignerSnuggie sightings:







Okay, these aren't real. But they illustrate how ridiculous I think these things are rather nicely.

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Ophan Annie Eyes

What a Difference 3 and a Half Years Makes...

It's been about forever since I've done a cat update, so today felt like a good day to post. Remember Ginny the feral Mom cat of Toby?

Well, as some of you might recall, Ginny integrated very well with everyone else and pretty much turned into a spoiled house cat. The only thing that didn't change was that everytime I tried to get near her, she raised her paw and looked at me as if to say, "B*tch, I'll cut you..."

So life went on... gradually over time Ginny started following a few of the other cats whenever they'd come running to me (namely Billy and Sadie), but she would sort of hang back and watch. About a year and a half ago I started getting a little braver and began petting Ginny's back while she was eating. Sometimes she'd tolerate it, other times she'd run away.

Over the last few months Ginny seems to have really come along. I had noticed that she would not only come running with the others, she started getting closer and would turn sideways, peeking at me. So I took the chance and slowly reached out to pet her back.

She didn't budge.

I was stunned and so I decided to keep going with it. Fast forward to this morning and we have this:




Ginny coming over when I called to her


Ginny loving the pets!


Ginny REALLY loving the pets!!

It's amazing to me... when she first arrived in March of '06 she was like a wild raccoon who *hated* me.



Now she takes treats from my hand and loves to be petted. (Though I'm not able to pick her up or anything... maybe in 3 years)

I'm glad I kept her. ^_^




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