I got home about 11:15 and M came by at around 11:30. He came in the front door, gathered me in his arms, and kissed me like I'd never experieced from him before. Then he gave me the longest hug.
We hadn't seen each other in a whie, so at first I was startled, then I closed my eyes and relaxed into him. It was nice to breathe in his scent and be held like that.
I had to be up at 6:00 a.m., so we didn't stay up particularly late. But I felt like we needed to talk. We don't really talk much about "us." We tend to touch on it, but never really let ourselves go into depth.
So I started it, "M, what do you feel when you think about us?"
Thus began the deepest conversation I think I'd ever had with him. We held each other as we talked about what he last 7.5 months have meant to the both of us, what our feelings are on committment, etc.
I told him that if I were entirely straight, he'd be "the one" and I'd fall in love with him, end of story. But I'm not and I have little nagging hang-ups. He said he knows this and that he likes how our relationship is pressure-free.
He feels that we're heading in the direction of committment, but senses my hesitation and he doesn't want to put that kind of stress on me. He turned on his side, looked me in the eyes and said, "I feel a lot of things toward you. You are different than anyone I've ever met before. So there's a part of me that holds back because, well, let's put it this way, you have the ability to tear me into pieces."
I thought on that a moment and said, "How? You mean emotionally?"
He nodded, "Yes, that and in other ways."
I said, "You really care about me that much?"
A slow smile spread across his face," I love you."
I looked back at him and said, "I love you, too. And sometimes I don't know if it means that I'm in love with you, because there are times where I think I might be. But then there are others where I'm a little confused by myself. But you've been a special part of my life the past couple years, having it become more has meant so much to me. I know that I love you very much. I think over time I'll know exactly how."
We fell asleep holding each other. Okay, well, not right away... I begged him to massage my hamstrings, they were so miserable from my deadlifts the other day. But then we snuggled and drifted off...
These last few weeks have been very confusing to me. They say people come into your life for a reason, whether it's for a moment or a lifetime, but no matter what, they serve some purpose to teach you a lesson on your life journey.
But I don't get it at certain points. Why do we have to get hurt? Okay, maybe that's the wrong question... why are our emotions so fragile at times? It doesn't seem very fair to me.
I've never seen myself as someone who is afraid of being vulnerable or letting go. I've been in love two times in my life. I've also had my heart broken as a result of those two times. Yet over time I've bounced back, ready to try again.
But yesterday I suddenly felt different. Like I was tired or something. Perhaps it goes with the realm of disappointment. Or maybe it goes with getting hurt myself and being told that I have the power to make someone feel that same pain and disappointment, but on a larger scale.
Anyway, I'm rambling. But I have a feeling this stuff is going to occupy my mind for a while. If anyone has thoughts, feel free to jump in with your two cents... I could sure use it. : )