June 22nd, 2001

Summer 2010

"You have the ability to tear me to pieces..."

Lots to reflect on... I had a very quiet day yesterday. I couldn't motivate, so I allowed myself the downtime. My day officially began at 6:00 when I had my HW shift. It dragged because it was a slow night.

I got home about 11:15 and M came by at around 11:30. He came in the front door, gathered me in his arms, and kissed me like I'd never experieced from him before. Then he gave me the longest hug.

We hadn't seen each other in a whie, so at first I was startled, then I closed my eyes and relaxed into him. It was nice to breathe in his scent and be held like that.

I had to be up at 6:00 a.m., so we didn't stay up particularly late. But I felt like we needed to talk. We don't really talk much about "us." We tend to touch on it, but never really let ourselves go into depth.

So I started it, "M, what do you feel when you think about us?"

Thus began the deepest conversation I think I'd ever had with him. We held each other as we talked about what he last 7.5 months have meant to the both of us, what our feelings are on committment, etc.

I told him that if I were entirely straight, he'd be "the one" and I'd fall in love with him, end of story. But I'm not and I have little nagging hang-ups. He said he knows this and that he likes how our relationship is pressure-free.

He feels that we're heading in the direction of committment, but senses my hesitation and he doesn't want to put that kind of stress on me. He turned on his side, looked me in the eyes and said, "I feel a lot of things toward you. You are different than anyone I've ever met before. So there's a part of me that holds back because, well, let's put it this way, you have the ability to tear me into pieces."

I thought on that a moment and said, "How? You mean emotionally?"

He nodded, "Yes, that and in other ways."

I said, "You really care about me that much?"

A slow smile spread across his face," I love you."

I looked back at him and said, "I love you, too. And sometimes I don't know if it means that I'm in love with you, because there are times where I think I might be. But then there are others where I'm a little confused by myself. But you've been a special part of my life the past couple years, having it become more has meant so much to me. I know that I love you very much. I think over time I'll know exactly how."

We fell asleep holding each other. Okay, well, not right away... I begged him to massage my hamstrings, they were so miserable from my deadlifts the other day. But then we snuggled and drifted off...

These last few weeks have been very confusing to me. They say people come into your life for a reason, whether it's for a moment or a lifetime, but no matter what, they serve some purpose to teach you a lesson on your life journey.

But I don't get it at certain points. Why do we have to get hurt? Okay, maybe that's the wrong question... why are our emotions so fragile at times? It doesn't seem very fair to me.

I've never seen myself as someone who is afraid of being vulnerable or letting go. I've been in love two times in my life. I've also had my heart broken as a result of those two times. Yet over time I've bounced back, ready to try again.

But yesterday I suddenly felt different. Like I was tired or something. Perhaps it goes with the realm of disappointment. Or maybe it goes with getting hurt myself and being told that I have the power to make someone feel that same pain and disappointment, but on a larger scale.

Anyway, I'm rambling. But I have a feeling this stuff is going to occupy my mind for a while. If anyone has thoughts, feel free to jump in with your two cents... I could sure use it. : )
  • Current Music
    DJ Tiesto - Revolution (CD2) "Brightside"
Summer 2010

"Good things come..."

"... to those who wait... and wait... and wait... and get disappointed... and wait some more... and get told to be patient... and wait... and..."

It happened!!!! I finally got a full-time job! Benefits... 401 K... quarterly bonuses... flexibility to work from home... encouragement to work my Personal Training into my daily schedule...T Pass paid for by the company each month... lap top...!

It's a small company, so my pay isn't as high as a large agency, but it's enough, not to mention the room for rapid growth. So after long last, I finally have found a place to resume my PR career.

It couldn't have happened in a better way... I met with them in February, bonded with the Executive Vice President, but then they went on a hiring freeze. I was disappointed, but hey, part of life...

They never forgot me and that in and of itself spoke volumes... the fact that they brought me back in after 4 months and even the president / founder took time to speak with me for an hour this morning.

I wish I could have recorded the cell phone conversation I had with MH... "Liz, it's MH, you got a minute to talk?"

"Sure," I said, closing my eyes and crossing my fingers. I pulled the car over from picking up Kris at her dorm.

"Liz, I'd like to extend you an offer to join our team. From the moment we all met you, we loved you. We really feel you'll be an integral part of the company..."

They didn't even call my references...!

I begin this Monday, 8:45 a.m.!


I plan on redeeming a coupon for a massage very soon and having a big party in late July / early August!

**big heaving sigh of relief**
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    ecstatic ecstatic