Liz Erk (lizerk) wrote,
Liz Erk

Zoom Zoom: Out Loud and... Retarded

I like my Xterra. I like my rainbow squiggle on the back door. I like my rainbow paws license plate frame in the front. It's my little way of saying, "Hey, I support diversity and am proud of it."

But let me tell you, ever since I started working at my new job, I've had three strange events occur during my commute. Today I realized it's a little pattern. Here's this morning's scenario:

Me, driving up 93 North in the far left lane, doing about 75 mph, listening to Howard Stern, drinking water, thinking about what's in store for the day. Suddenly I see a silver flash zip by on my right, then cut in close to the car in front of me to get into the left lane. While the car is shifting into the lane I see it: the rainbow sticker on the trunk of the Mazda something-or-other.

The car in front of me clearly sees this as the Mazda driver saying, "Get out of the left lane, Grandma!" So it dutifully moves to the right. This leaves me behind Zoom Zoom.

Zoom Zoom catches up to the parade of cars in front of them, causing he or she to slow down. I, in turn, get close to the Mazda.

And I see it: Dyke driver looking at me in the rearview mirror, smirking. Zoom Zoom Dyke proceeds to start tapping on her steering wheel to the beat of something, then adds in an almost epileptic head bop movement.


We carry on for about a mile, then I shift into the middle lane because my exit was approaching. This causes me to pull even with Zoom Zoom Dyke. Of course, I look over. Zoom Zoom Dyke, who was probably about 40, was giving me "competitive eyes."

Me, donning blue reflective, silver-wire framed Oaklies, remained stoic and resumed facing forward.

Zoom Zoom Dyke, obviously offended by my lackluster response, tailgates the car in front of her until she is far enough ahead to cut off the two cars in front of me. I then shift into the far right lane. Zoom Zoom Dyke cuts off a cement truck to get into the same lane, then make the exit.

Woo! The fun continues on 495 North!

Zoom Zoom Dyke, realizing that I wasn't going to catch up on the exit ramp because I was stuck behind said cement truck, gets onto 495 and crawls in the right lane until I get on the highway.

As I do everyday, I zipped on over to the far left lane because there's always a caravan of trucks in the right lane doing about 45 mph. Oh, was Zoom Zoom Dyke displeased!

To make up for my lead, she zig-zagged between the 4 lanes, finally getting about 4 car lengths ahead of me. But, alas, my exit was approaching, so Zoom Zoom Dyke and I were about to part ways.

But wait!

Zoom Zoom Dyke darted across all the lanes and careened onto the exit ramp that I was about to take in roughly a quarter of a mile. Cringing, I took the exit, got about 3 cars behind her at the yield sign guarding the end of the exit and breathed a sigh of relief as she drove by the turn-off that lead to my office park.

This is the third time I've had something like this take place on the drive to work. Last time it was a Mullet in a beat up old pick-up. The time before that was a Napoleon Dyke in a tired early 90's Mercury Sable. Both had rainbow stickers.

What is it about my car sticker that silently cries out, "Yes! I want to have a dyke pissing contest on the highway! Let's do it!"

I may have to trade in my rainbow for a Human Rights Campaign "equal sign" decal instead. Sheesh.
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