Liz Erk (lizerk) wrote,
Liz Erk
lizerk

Toasting the Tribe



It's no secret that women in groups of 3 or more can lead to drama. It's just in the female nature. But typically the magnitude of this drama really tends to escalate in those groups if they consist of lesbians.

Granted, I know many of you who read this are neither lesbian nor from Boston, but I thought you might get a kick out of receiving a glimpse into the "Boston Lesbian Social Mystique." (aka- The Eternal Monsoon of the Psycho-Dyke-Scene Mindset)

Lesbian social establishments have difficulty surviving for an extended period of time due to a multitude of reasons. Those can range from lack of support to crappy locations to the full moon. But one that makes me laugh is when a successful venue falls to pieces due to people's mere inability to play nicely with one another.

Apparently Toast, which was the one club to go to on Thursday nights encountered some problems when the promoter and the owner had some kind of disagreement. Following that, the promoter's staff sent out an e-mail to the mailing list that stated Toast was closed and that they were actively seeking a new location.

As it turned out, the club itself was not closed, but rather there was a change in staff. The original Thursday staff was hoping to deter the patrons from attending and, instead, wait on their new offering. Yesterday I received the following e-mail:

-----Original Message-----
From: wkelly@toastboston.com
Sent: Thursday, February 10, 2005 4:50 AM
To: wkelly@toastboston.com
Subject: GRAND OPENING OF TRIBE, THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 17th


Hello Ladies,
WE're BACK!!!!!!!!!!!

Firstly, We would like to Thank You with all sincerity for your loyalty and patronage over the past year. Despite the sudden and unfortunate turn of events at our previous location, We would like to invite you to the Grand Opening of Club TRIBE on Thursday, February 17th(yes, next week!).

Secondly, Here is the long awaited information you've been waiting for...We hope that you'll be as excited as we are about the new space and come celebrate with us. Club TRIBE is only three miles from our previous location and has so much more to offer. You're going to love it. :)

Club TRIBE will have two levels(3rd and 4th floor/penthouse-yes, we're moving on up! hahaha...). The 3rd floor holds 6 billiard tables and the pool is for free. This floor is beautiful. The fourth floor(the penthouse) offers a dance floor, plush seating, and state of the art lighting and sound.

The new location will be at club FELT Boston.
The address is 533 Washington Street.
Hours are from 9pm until 2am. $5 Cover Charge. 21+ proper ID.
DJ Gay Jim will be back and spinning your favorite hip hop and top 40.

As always your comfort and safety is very important to us and we can assure you that it's a great location. We will have our own private entrance. The girls and I have checked it out on several occasions and it's fine. In fact, Thursdays at Felt are for private corporate parties on the first 2 levels.. and us on the 3rd and 4th. There is on-street parking as well as several lots($8 and $10) in the immediate area to accomodate you.

DIRECTIONS:
Until our new official website: WWW.TRIBENIGHTCLUB.COM is up and running we suggest you go to mapquest.com for directions. it worked for us. :)

We can't wait to see you all again. So, rest up and we'll see you next week.

Thanks again and we'll see you soon.
Sincerely,
The Staff at TRIBE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It doesn't take a PR professional to describe all that is wrong with this "promotional note." However, being that I am one, not to mention the mere fact that I am "me" (read: obnoxiously critical at times), I was happy to take on the task of translating what the e-mail really says:

"Hello Ladies,
WE're BACK!!!!!!!!!!! (We know you were worried. And writing it as "WE're" makes it that much more thrilling!)

Firstly, We would like to Thank You (because nothing else shows you truly mean it than to write "Thank You" in CAPS within the sentence) with all sincerity for your loyalty and patronage over the past year. Despite the sudden and unfortunate turn of events (ie- tragically predictable dyke drama) at our previous location , We would like to invite you to the Grand Opening of Club TRIBE on Thursday, February 17th(yes, next week!). (Why the name "TRIBE?" Well, naturally we needed a title to emulate the savage behavior that can result when lesbian cliques don't get along... so if you are smart, you will pledge your loyalty and join our TRIBE, vowing to engage in battle against the evil Toast.)

Secondly, Here is the long awaited information you've been waiting for (because we know you all had nothing else to do last Thursdsy night without us)...We hope that you'll be as excited as we are about the new space and come celebrate with us. Club TRIBE is only three miles from our previous location and has so much more to offer. (We're hoping that you might not notice that 3 miles in and around a city is pretty much the equivalent of trying to get from New York to Texas) You're going to love it. :) (It's "smiley-icon" guaranteed!

Club TRIBE will have two levels(3rd and 4th floor/penthouse-yes, we're moving on up! hahaha...) (See? We really are cool and clever!!! Note our 80's pop culture reference... hopefully this explains why our DJ is only capable of playing bad 80's when he's not "train-wrecking" Mariah Carey into 50 Cent). The 3rd floor holds 6 billiard tables and the pool is for free. This floor is beautiful. (Seriously... you haven't seen beauty until you witnessed 6 pool tables on one floor simultaneously... sheer tangible poetry) The fourth floor(the penthouse) (in case you weren't aware that the 4th floor comes after the 3rd) offers a dance floor, plush seating (that's right! No way would we let members of our TRIBE sit on metal folding chairs!, and state of the art lighting and sound. (Though don't expect that to make up for our void-of-talent DJ)

The new location will be at club FELT Boston. (Like the suspense? Bet you got worried we weren't going to tell you the actual location, since we spent a good portion of this e-mail justifying why you should go there before disclosing it!)
The address is 533 Washington Street. (Yes, you got it. Downtown on the border of Chinatown, not a very convenient or safe walk from the train and cabs will cost you a fortune.)
Hours are from 9pm until 2am. $5 Cover Charge. 21+ proper ID.
DJ Gay Jim will be back and spinning your favorite hip hop and top 40. (We'll use the term "favorite" loosely.)

As always your comfort and safety is (Okay okay... "are." So we didn't bother proof-editing this before sending it. No one said lesbian promoters needed to be professional or appear educated!) very important to us and we can assure you that it's a great location. We will have our own private entrance. (providing you can actually get there, your safety and comfort are guaranteed while you climb up the stairs.) The girls and I have checked it out on several occasions and it's fine. (Yes. "Fine." As in, we weren't very discriminating in our quest to find a new location. We took what we could get and, in turn, want you to know that lesbians don't really deserve the best... you should just settle for "fine." This also applies to the DJ... lesbians don't need current music! Outdated, bargain-basement train-wrecked tracks are "fine" for this community!) In fact, Thursdays at Felt are for private corporate parties on the first 2 levels.. and us on the 3rd and 4th. (Because "lesbians" and "corporate" go hand-in-hand, not to mention, corporate implies "safety." No worries about those "blue collar-types" that we know the lesbian community secretly fears...)

There is on-street parking (Great for adding some character to your car's body with some dings that will surely appear while you're inside, playing free pool and being dazzled by the 4th floor penthouse view of a fading billboard and condemned buildings across the street) as well as several lots($8 and $10) in the immediate area to accomodate you. (We recognize that it's "fine" for the lesbian community to pay a combined total of $15 to get to our hastily chosen "fine" venue in an area that's so expensive, the drinks will more than likely require you to be accompanied by a sugar-momma C.O.D. (Crusty Old Dyke who just wants to tap a young hot piece of ass) with deep pockets to cover your tab.)

DIRECTIONS:
Until our new official website: WWW.TRIBENIGHTCLUB.COM is up and running we suggest you go to mapquest.com for directions. it worked for us. :) (Too much work for us to actually include directions with this e-mail. MapQuest is "fine" and guaranteed to work, as it's once again backed by the "smiley icon")

We can't wait to see you all again. (Though we didn't care much about you before and made a lot of you stand in line in the cold and rain until 12:30 a.m. and then demanded you pay a cover anyway, even though the club was going to close a half hour later.) So, rest up and we'll see you next week. ("Rest up," as in "Don't go anywhere else, or you risk becoming a traitor to the TRIBE!")

Thanks again and we'll see you soon.
Sincerely,
The Staff at TRIBE (Right, not "The TRIBE Staff," but the ones physically AT the club, lest you think this e-mail was coming from The Staff at some other location)

***And with that, I can't wait for TRIBE! Between now and next Thursday you'll be able to find me in my yard, doing the TRIBAL dance... anyone is welcome to join me! (with the exception of those who might continue patronage to Toast... in which case prepare to be savagely attacked and have your hair cut into a mullet in retaliation!)




***Please note, I was being sarcastic and don't give a rat's @ss about either club... I only ever go anywhere to have a good time with friends... providing I can get there in a reasonable, safe and not-overly-expensive fashion.
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 23 comments