Liz Erk (lizerk) wrote,
Liz Erk

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New Roommate... Sort Of...

Another roommate decided to reside here. Again, like the others, he/she just moved in. Didn't even ask.

I discovered their presence while drying my hair in the bathroom just now. There I was, minding my own business, when suddenly he/she crawled down the wall and stopped 4 inches from my face. The spider looked at me, I looked at it.

It is very small, about the size of a dime. He's a lighter brown than my other roommate. In fact, at first I thought it was the other one. I haven't seen him in quite a while. But I soon decided it wasn't because this one's so light and not to mention daring. I mean, the other one never gets that close to me, except in the kitchen. But even then, he's careful to stay a few feet away

I turned off my blow dryer and looked at the spider. "Hello," I said. "Are you moving in?"

The spider continued to look at me, then suddenly he slung a web and slid up the wall and crawled along the ceiling. I took that as, "Yes, I sure am. If you piss me off, I may bite you..."

Well, I got news for you, buddy. There were two before you. One I rarely see, the other was like you: a smart ass and gutsy. One day he had the misfortune of getting stepped on by me.

(I actually felt horrible about that one. He was a tiny thing and one morning came to sit next to me in the living room while I made a mix tape. I was surprised, it just came over and sat still, right to my left. Suddenly the phone rang and I jumped up to get it.


My heart sank, it was awful. I killed my roommate! I looked around. The other was no where to be seen. Okay, I thought, this is good... no one saw a thing... I can get away clean and easy. But I felt a sense of loss as I gathered up my roommate's remains with a Kleenex and tossed him into the trash can. However, I did not see the other for about a week, causing me to wonder if perhaps he saw the whole thing and went into hiding, fearing for his own little life)

So, as I returned to drying my hair, I thought hard about my roommies. And when you think about it, a spider is the ideal roommate: it doesn't take up much room, it won't eat your food and guards against other "unwanted micro-mini guests" (thus alleviating the food dilemna), it never wakes you up stumbling in drunk, you can't hear it having sex in the next room, it won't steal your clothes, forget to give you phone messages, and it won't leave hair in the drain.

The only downside is that spiders are constantly unemployed, so they never pay their share of the rent.

So, I guess the new roommate can stay. But the second it bites me, out it goes. I don't care if it has to reside in the bushes out front. I will not take domestic abuse from any roommate, no matter how it was raised.

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